Tonight I have made a comforting realization. Want to hear it?
I have realized that despite the fears, despite the insecurities, despite the pressures and despite the anxieties that come upon me from time to time, the priorities I have set: to live life--to truly live and experience life--are realities I have lived out.
I have always said that I do not want to be a person who lets life pass me by. I do not want to be 90 years old and say I wish I had...
Day to day I become bogged down in what I can only describe as societal pressures of feeling that I need to be more successful, I need to have a career, a house, a husband, a "life." But then I realize that I do not want all those things. My desire is for so much more because I know that there is so much more in the world and so much more to life than convention. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but I want to live, to experience, to have a unique life, and, for me, that means not living the "American Dream."
I have many moments of deep darkness and anxiety that I have gone down the wrong path, that I have not been "wise" with time or money in these experiences. But then the realization comes to me that I don't care. I will pay for these things somehow. I will be ok. I will be more than ok because I am a changed person with experiences that will stay with me. I do not want to live a life characterized by fear, a feeling I am prone to. I want to risk, to go, to live and let the details fall into place. And they have.
Looking at my adult life I see that there are many moments of this sort if paralysis, then by the grace and strength of God, I have been able to shake these and take risks. I am proud of this fact--it is something that I have only come to realize tonight. I want to remain and to grow even more into this person. I want to be a person of thoughtfulness and wisdom, who seeks the right path. However, I do not want to sit in that waiting period in such a way that it becomes a crutch, I will continue to live and risk and savour every moment of this live that has been gifted to me.
I took the risk and moved back to Southern California with no job or money in sight, and God provided a fantastic job with wonderful people and a community that truly blessed me and became family.
I took the risk and left that family to travel across the pond to "the homeland," Ireland, and it has been a truly beautiful time. I have had the opportunity to travel and experience things I have long dreamed about. I have grown in so many ways, through both good and difficult times.
I have had a fantastic ride so far, I cannot wait to see what lies in store. This is the first time I have said this and truly meant it. I will no longer be afraid. I have been given this one life, I will not waste it.
