Bittersweet

. . . is the word of the moment.

I cannot believe that I am already leaving Ireland. A year has gone by so fast.
This has been a crazy, fun, trying, lonely, new friend-filled year.
I have learned a lot both academically and personally. I have learned so much about who I am as a person. I have learned a lot about how I deal with tough times. I have learned so much about literature and how to look at and think about literature.

This year spent in Ireland really has been a life-changing, dream-come-true sort of year, no matter how cliche that sounds. To get to see and experience these places I have always dreamt of going has been amazing. There is so much more I want to experience, it hurts to leave. I feel like I am tearing myself away and such a big part of me will stay here.

But with all this melancholy at departing, there is so much excitement to return. To start with I am over the moon with excitement to have one last travelling hoorah and get to spend time with a lovely friend who has just moved to New York. I have never spent time in New York and always wanted to, and to get to do it with a "local" will be amazing. The perfect welcome back to the States, and a final adventure before returning home. I am excited.

There is so much that I have missed about California, most of all my lovely friends, family, and community. I am not, however, looking forward to the weather, despite what everyone in Ireland says. I have come to adore the rain. I love stepping outside and not knowing what weather I will be stepping into...sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's overcast, ok most of the time it's overcast, and at some point in the day, you know there will be rain. I love that variety. And I have gotten used to the cooler temperatures, the fact that when it is 15C/60F I am outside without a sweater, basking in the warmth. In my previous life I would have been putting a sweater on about then. I fear I will melt in the California sun. There will definitely be some re-adjusting to do. Cultural re-adjustment as well, I have a feeling. I will miss the pub lifestyle, to stop in, have a seat, have a pint, have a conversation, I have met such interesting people throughout the year, I love it. I'll miss the crazy Irish accents and way of speaking...I will miss the grand craic with your man that happens here :-)

So, I will make the most of these last few days, trying to fit as much of Ireland in my suitcases as I can, and eating up the experiences I have left. This has been a landmark year. There have been some serious struggles and challenges, but I am so glad that I took a risk, took a step, and came. I will never be the same.

Dissertation Blues...

My life at the moment:

Work, work, work, work.
Write, write, write...

FREAK OUT

What the heck am I doing with my life?! What is a dissertation? Can I write a dissertation? What have I gotten myself into?

Work, work, work work.
Research, read, think, plan, outline.
Write, write, edit, revise, write some more.

Pack a box. Ship a box to California.

FREAK OUT

I leave in 3 weeks! 3 weeks!!! I will never get this dissertation done in that time! I am leaving Ireland, I do not want to go! I am going back to California. Where am I going to live? I am broke. How will I pay for food? Where will I work? What will the next adventure look like? Can I handle another adventure? What am I doing with my life?!

Work. Work.  Work.
Watch a film. Watch the commentary. Take notes.
Write. Write. Write.


Repeat.

On living

Tonight I have made a comforting realization. Want to hear it?

I have realized that despite the fears, despite the insecurities, despite the pressures and despite the anxieties that come upon me from time to time, the priorities I have set: to live life--to truly live and experience life--are realities I have lived out.

I have always said that I do not want to be a person who lets life pass me by. I do not want to be 90 years old and say I wish I had...

Day to day I become bogged down in what I can only describe as societal pressures of feeling that I need to be more successful, I need to have a career, a house, a husband, a "life." But then I realize that I do not want all those things. My desire is for so much more because I know that there is so much more in the world and so much more to life than convention. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but I want to live, to experience, to have a unique life, and, for me, that means not living the "American Dream."

I have many moments of deep darkness and anxiety that I have gone down the wrong path, that I have not been "wise" with time or money in these experiences. But then the realization comes to me that I don't care. I will pay for these things somehow. I will be ok. I will be more than ok because I am a changed person with experiences that will stay with me. I do not want to live a life characterized by fear, a feeling I am prone to. I want to risk, to go, to live and let the details fall into place. And they have.

Looking at my adult life I see that there are many moments of this sort if paralysis, then by the grace and strength of God, I have been able to shake these and take risks. I am proud of this fact--it is something that I have only come to realize tonight. I want to remain and to grow even more into this person. I want to be a person of thoughtfulness and wisdom, who seeks the right path. However, I do not want to sit in that waiting period in such a way that it becomes a crutch, I will continue to live and risk and savour every moment of this live that has been gifted to me.

I took the risk and moved back to Southern California with no job or money in sight, and God provided a fantastic job with wonderful people and a community that truly blessed me and became family.

I took the risk and left that family to travel across the pond to "the homeland," Ireland, and it has been a truly beautiful time. I have had the opportunity to travel and experience things I have long dreamed about. I have grown in so many ways, through both good and difficult times.

I have had a fantastic ride so far, I cannot wait to see what lies in store. This is the first time I have said this and truly meant it. I will no longer be afraid. I have been given this one life, I will not waste it.

Forgiveness

Jesus' prayer was, 'Father forgive them;
they know not what they do.'
A prayer born in death, writhing with pain.
A prayer risking faith, facing the sorrow.
A prayer living in hope, seeing the future.

My prayer was, 'God, how can I forgive them?
They do know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'It still hurts.'
A prayer wanting vengeance.
A prayer seeking direction.

My prayer became, 'God, help me forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'They were wrong.'
A prayer wanting reconciliation.
A prayer seeking courage.

My prayer became, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer that wrestled with injustice.
A prayer that acknowledges weakness.
A prayer that found home in God's love.

My prayer remains, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
Because forgiving creates life from death.
Because forgiving cleanses the healing wound.
Because forgiving builds the bridge of freedom.
                     
                                              ~Jared P. Pingleton The Role and Function of Forgiveness.




I find this picture of the process of forgiveness to be so very true to life. I love the attempts at prayer and the honesty therein. Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness requires humility and surrender--things contrary to natural human reactions when wronged. But forgiveness brings life and freedom, not to mention healing and reconciliation to relationships. Being on the other side of this, and looking back, I see just how true these words are. Letting go of the shackles of hurt and resentment and even cyncism and stepping into forgiveness is supremely freeing and life-giving. God knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive.

A beautifully honest prayer

I see Your hands,
not white and manicured, but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out--
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today--
hurt more than me--
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
and warmth, that says You're there.
                                                      ~Eddie Askew Many Voices, Once Voice

New Flat

I am now officially a Dubliner, living in the city centre. The view from my bedroom window.

For those of you that may be interested in my new city centre flat, I thought I would post the pictures on here rather than Facebook, so not everyone in the world has to see where I live. I absolutely love this place and feel so blessed to be where I am and have my own lovely space that is just so very me.

Here on the street where I live...

My front door. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I officially have a Dublin door!

The entryway and stairway up to my flat...4 flights of stairs to ascend.

The dining area.

My tiny kitchen, but look, a washer/dryer!!

The living area, with a super comfy couch

The winding stair...

My upstairs loft-y bedroom. 

Reflections

As of today, I have been in Ireland for 8 months. What have these months meant? What have these months been?

The short answer: many things.

It has been exciting. It has been adventuresome. It has been terrifying. It has been heart-breaking. It has been beautiful. It has been a dream. It has been a time of growth. It has been a time of trust.

As I officially turn from class time to the next phase of my Master's programme: dissertation time I am forced to reflect on what has been. Academically, I have been greatly stretched, to read things I wouldn't have normally (especially romance) and to think about things I have read in new and sometimes disturbing ways (the Victorians will never look the same). Among these challenges, I have been forced to face many of my academic and/or intellectual insecurities head-on. I have never felt confident in my writing, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the process of thinking of an idea relating to a book I have read and delving into it--researching, discussing, thinking, learning--but I am not such a fan of actually putting these thoughts into words. But I signed on to do just this when I decided to head into postgraduate education. The process has not been any easier, but I was able to write about things I absolutely love, not many can say that, my papers have included: Peter Pan and the concept of nostalgia; Northanger Abbey as a defense of Gothic, silly, women's novels; a look at the trees and forests of The Lord of the Rings; and even the depiction of gender in The Hunger Games. Getting to do in-depth studies of these things has been a dream, and I have been surprised by the positive feedback on some, and terribly depressed by the negative feedback on others. But I have learned that, though important, the marks I get on these things are not the be-all, end-all or purpose of my participating in this programme. My answer, when asked why I chose this, or is this going to lead to anything career-wise, is always that I have embarked upon this journey to become a better and more well-rounded person. And I think that this is true. I need to remember that this is the priority, not my reputation, not my marks.

Related to this, some of the best parts of these 8 months have been the opportunities that I have had to travel. If you have seen this blog at all, you have heard about some of the trips I have been able to take, so I won't bore you with the details. But every year I come up with a word that will characterize how I live out that year (as opposed to the resolutions that many people make), and for 2012, the word was "experience." Thus far, I think this has been true of my year, there has been a lot to experience, and many many new adventures, both good and bad that I have been privy to. Visiting areas I have always longed to go and touching sacred grounds is indescribable and something that has changed me, memories that I will hold forever.

Along with the good and joyous memories, are the bittersweet. There were many things I knew and I was afraid of missing when I left home to travel across the pond: many weddings, engagements, births, and other life-events that I was sad to miss, but would celebrate when I returned. I was not prepared, however, to miss the passing of a dear friend. March was not a good month. Ramon Vidaurri was a remarkable person. His love for God was so evident in every conversation, and in the very way he lived his life. He was so full of fun and joy and music. I counted him amongst my dear friends. Though there had been hardship, I always knew and thought I had him to turn to and trust. Hearing, in December that he had cancer, was heart-breaking. I couldn't believe it could happen to someone as young and full of life as Ramon. And to think of the fact that he and Allie had been married in May and had so little time together was equally infuriating. But even in this pain, I hoped and prayed that he would recover, that God had a purpose for his life and that I would see him again. This was not to be, in March, God called Ramon to heaven. This absolutely broke me, if I am honest about it. How could this happen? After everything that we had been through, that the end of the story is that Ramon is gone? And to be over here when it happened, to not say goodbye, to not get to mourn with my dear friends, to have the consolation that mourning together brings. Equally difficult, to miss the services remembering Ramon. Most of all, it has been impossibly hard to be so far away when my dear friend Allie is in so much pain. All I have wanted to do is to sit with her, hug her, cry with her, be silent with her, yell with her, to be there. But, through all of this, through this process, God has been present. I know this to be true. He has shown me that this is part of that word I chose for this year. God has me in Ireland for a reason, even as this occurred, even as hard as it is. I was forced to lean into Him, and to seek comfort in the one true Comforter. Though this has not solve all my problems, it has not taken the pain away, I have seen into the true nature of my Jesus, and He weeps with us for the death of Ramon. God did not intend for cancer and death to exist in this world, He hates these things and the pain that they cause. And over and over God has shown me that Ramon is okay, that he is absolutely rocking out with Jesus. I have this vision of him having found a guitar and playing songs of his own invention for Jesus. This image never ceases to bring a smile to my face. The pain and shock of this loss is still present, but I trust in the comfort of the Lord as I sit on this isle of saints and scholars. I have no doubt that when I return to the States, and see my community, and feel the hole in it, the pain will rise anew, but I am learning that this is part of the experience and that God is refining me through this. But, all I can say about that is, ouch.

Mixed with this pain is joy and excitement for this next and last phase of my life here in Ireland. I am moving from Trinity Hall to a lovely flat right in the city centre. I am so relieved and excited at the prospect of this new flat. One of the best joys associated with this is that my lovely mom will be here with me to help move in and I get to show her a bit of what my life in Dublin is like. I feel so deeply for the need of her presence. It is funny, no matter how old we get, a hug from mom can always make a huge difference. Don't worry, I know you are all asking for pictures of my flat already, they will come once I am moved in! And to have a place all my own to breathe in and have space to work on my dissertation is a relief.

Student accommodation has been nice because I came to Ireland knowing that I had a place to live when I arrived, but being back in a dorm situation after years of independent living has been a challenge, to say the least; especially when I realize that I am almost 10 years older than many of the freshers living and partying here. So, moving into my own place, is going to be amazing!

I mentioned earlier my insecurities with academic writing, so facing writing a 15,000 word dissertation that is, in essence, the entire weight of my Master's degree is terrifying. I am so excited about the topic: Hard-boiled detective fiction and Film Noir and the way in which they depict 1930s and 1940s Hollywood. (think foggy, seedy, crime-ridden streets and fast-talking detectives with femme fatales at their side). But this will be published and needs to be intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I think I do have some intelligent thoughts, but putting them down on paper proves difficult. Luckily, I think I have a fantastic advisor who is pretty much the coolest woman ever and very knowledgeable on the content which I am choosing to write. But, despite the fear, I am excited to embark on this research, and the things I will learn, and more importantly, the person I will become in doing so.

So, here is to this next phase. I expect challenge, fear, joy, blessing, excitement, and above all, experience.

I am sure this is far more than anyone needed to know about how I am doing at the moment, but thanks for reading this far and engaging with me.