The process of preparing for school at Trinity has been, well, an adventure, to say the least. It has been strange that all along I have had such a peace about the entire process and the prospect of going to school in Ireland; it just felt right. I knew (and know) it is what I am supposed to do.
But this week it hit me. What hit me, you ask? S T R E S S and F E A R.
It is overwhelming to think of the number of details to be ironed out before I leave.
Detail #1 paying my last month of rent, which by the way, skyrocketed--just what I need before leaving to attend an expensive Graduate programme.
Detail #2 a plane ticket, a minor thing--just, you know, the way I am going to get there, but no worries, prices couldn't possibly get any higher, right?
Detail #3 what do I bring with me? Do I need ALL of my clothing or just some of it? Do I bring books with me or purchase them there? What is essential for a year of my life?
Detail #4 financial aid; did I take out enough? Have I missed some all-important detail which will mean I don't get the aid I applies for at all? How will I afford food? What will the logistics of a bank account and Euros look like?
Detail #5 housing; did I choose well? I am a long way from school. I am still privy to Trinity community, but not as central to all the things in Dublin as I expected. How much of a problem will this be?
These are the things that really hit me that I have realized are things that I should have figured out by now. People are expecting me to have these figured out; why else would they be asking me? These details hit me like a ton of bricks. But these stresses are not the real problem, it is the fear that is really plaguing me at the moment. I am terrified of failure. What if I just can't cut it in grad school? What if I completely screw up? What if I am not able to travel the way I hope and I blow this "great opportunity" that I and everyone I encounter keep talking about?
Tonight my biggest fear is that, despite all of my feelings of confirmation and expectation that this is, in fact, where God desires me to be that I missed it, or worse, that I put words into His mouth. Am I running away back to school as an escape, as a comfortable thing to do? School has always been my comfort zone. What if I was meant to stay here in Fullerton in this great family that I have found at Rock Harbor Fullerton? It breaks my heart to think of leaving this family. Seeing and hearing about the exciting new things that are coming up I am so heartbroken not to get to be here, to be a part of them. I don't want to leave this wonderful community. But I will continue to be a part of this family, it will just look different. I will be a prayer partner and a celebrator from overseas. And, hey, if my plans come true, I will get to spend Christmas with some of this family as I head to Penzance and the Jensens!
So here I sit. Overwhelmed by details. I trust still that I am making the right decision in going to Ireland. I fear much, but am seeking to trust that I am not alone in this and that there are fantastic things in store. And this is an exciting dream-come-true kind of opportunity,but, as Galinda put it better than I can, "...getting your dreams/ It's strange but it seems/ A little-- well-- complicated."
But here I go, taking a leap. Wish me luck.
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