Reflections

As of today, I have been in Ireland for 8 months. What have these months meant? What have these months been?

The short answer: many things.

It has been exciting. It has been adventuresome. It has been terrifying. It has been heart-breaking. It has been beautiful. It has been a dream. It has been a time of growth. It has been a time of trust.

As I officially turn from class time to the next phase of my Master's programme: dissertation time I am forced to reflect on what has been. Academically, I have been greatly stretched, to read things I wouldn't have normally (especially romance) and to think about things I have read in new and sometimes disturbing ways (the Victorians will never look the same). Among these challenges, I have been forced to face many of my academic and/or intellectual insecurities head-on. I have never felt confident in my writing, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the process of thinking of an idea relating to a book I have read and delving into it--researching, discussing, thinking, learning--but I am not such a fan of actually putting these thoughts into words. But I signed on to do just this when I decided to head into postgraduate education. The process has not been any easier, but I was able to write about things I absolutely love, not many can say that, my papers have included: Peter Pan and the concept of nostalgia; Northanger Abbey as a defense of Gothic, silly, women's novels; a look at the trees and forests of The Lord of the Rings; and even the depiction of gender in The Hunger Games. Getting to do in-depth studies of these things has been a dream, and I have been surprised by the positive feedback on some, and terribly depressed by the negative feedback on others. But I have learned that, though important, the marks I get on these things are not the be-all, end-all or purpose of my participating in this programme. My answer, when asked why I chose this, or is this going to lead to anything career-wise, is always that I have embarked upon this journey to become a better and more well-rounded person. And I think that this is true. I need to remember that this is the priority, not my reputation, not my marks.

Related to this, some of the best parts of these 8 months have been the opportunities that I have had to travel. If you have seen this blog at all, you have heard about some of the trips I have been able to take, so I won't bore you with the details. But every year I come up with a word that will characterize how I live out that year (as opposed to the resolutions that many people make), and for 2012, the word was "experience." Thus far, I think this has been true of my year, there has been a lot to experience, and many many new adventures, both good and bad that I have been privy to. Visiting areas I have always longed to go and touching sacred grounds is indescribable and something that has changed me, memories that I will hold forever.

Along with the good and joyous memories, are the bittersweet. There were many things I knew and I was afraid of missing when I left home to travel across the pond: many weddings, engagements, births, and other life-events that I was sad to miss, but would celebrate when I returned. I was not prepared, however, to miss the passing of a dear friend. March was not a good month. Ramon Vidaurri was a remarkable person. His love for God was so evident in every conversation, and in the very way he lived his life. He was so full of fun and joy and music. I counted him amongst my dear friends. Though there had been hardship, I always knew and thought I had him to turn to and trust. Hearing, in December that he had cancer, was heart-breaking. I couldn't believe it could happen to someone as young and full of life as Ramon. And to think of the fact that he and Allie had been married in May and had so little time together was equally infuriating. But even in this pain, I hoped and prayed that he would recover, that God had a purpose for his life and that I would see him again. This was not to be, in March, God called Ramon to heaven. This absolutely broke me, if I am honest about it. How could this happen? After everything that we had been through, that the end of the story is that Ramon is gone? And to be over here when it happened, to not say goodbye, to not get to mourn with my dear friends, to have the consolation that mourning together brings. Equally difficult, to miss the services remembering Ramon. Most of all, it has been impossibly hard to be so far away when my dear friend Allie is in so much pain. All I have wanted to do is to sit with her, hug her, cry with her, be silent with her, yell with her, to be there. But, through all of this, through this process, God has been present. I know this to be true. He has shown me that this is part of that word I chose for this year. God has me in Ireland for a reason, even as this occurred, even as hard as it is. I was forced to lean into Him, and to seek comfort in the one true Comforter. Though this has not solve all my problems, it has not taken the pain away, I have seen into the true nature of my Jesus, and He weeps with us for the death of Ramon. God did not intend for cancer and death to exist in this world, He hates these things and the pain that they cause. And over and over God has shown me that Ramon is okay, that he is absolutely rocking out with Jesus. I have this vision of him having found a guitar and playing songs of his own invention for Jesus. This image never ceases to bring a smile to my face. The pain and shock of this loss is still present, but I trust in the comfort of the Lord as I sit on this isle of saints and scholars. I have no doubt that when I return to the States, and see my community, and feel the hole in it, the pain will rise anew, but I am learning that this is part of the experience and that God is refining me through this. But, all I can say about that is, ouch.

Mixed with this pain is joy and excitement for this next and last phase of my life here in Ireland. I am moving from Trinity Hall to a lovely flat right in the city centre. I am so relieved and excited at the prospect of this new flat. One of the best joys associated with this is that my lovely mom will be here with me to help move in and I get to show her a bit of what my life in Dublin is like. I feel so deeply for the need of her presence. It is funny, no matter how old we get, a hug from mom can always make a huge difference. Don't worry, I know you are all asking for pictures of my flat already, they will come once I am moved in! And to have a place all my own to breathe in and have space to work on my dissertation is a relief.

Student accommodation has been nice because I came to Ireland knowing that I had a place to live when I arrived, but being back in a dorm situation after years of independent living has been a challenge, to say the least; especially when I realize that I am almost 10 years older than many of the freshers living and partying here. So, moving into my own place, is going to be amazing!

I mentioned earlier my insecurities with academic writing, so facing writing a 15,000 word dissertation that is, in essence, the entire weight of my Master's degree is terrifying. I am so excited about the topic: Hard-boiled detective fiction and Film Noir and the way in which they depict 1930s and 1940s Hollywood. (think foggy, seedy, crime-ridden streets and fast-talking detectives with femme fatales at their side). But this will be published and needs to be intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I think I do have some intelligent thoughts, but putting them down on paper proves difficult. Luckily, I think I have a fantastic advisor who is pretty much the coolest woman ever and very knowledgeable on the content which I am choosing to write. But, despite the fear, I am excited to embark on this research, and the things I will learn, and more importantly, the person I will become in doing so.

So, here is to this next phase. I expect challenge, fear, joy, blessing, excitement, and above all, experience.

I am sure this is far more than anyone needed to know about how I am doing at the moment, but thanks for reading this far and engaging with me.