This blog has been pretty silent in my time back in the U S of A. This is partly due to laziness, partly due to neglect, but mostly because I have not felt like dealing with the who, what, when, where, why, how, and especially the "what's next" of right now.
Let me start by stating that I am ok. I am blessed to have a mother who I can also call my friend who is so giving of herself that she is happy to let me invade her space and help me financially with a roof over my head and food to eat and the like so that, as I readjust to this place and try to decide where I want to go from here (and as I say that I always hear Buffy singing "Where do we go from here..."), I do not have to stress about these everyday expenses. I am also blessed to have found a job at a place I love, Barnes & Noble, working with books and people who enjoy books. True, it does not provide very well financially, but I think it is just right for this season, and I am blessed to have found it. There are downsides (selling e-readers for one) but working in a bookshop is so fantastic and good for my soul that I have decided to stop feeling that I need to justify it. I seem always to quantify my working at Barnes and Noble with a "but just for now" or "until I figure things out" not that it can't be that, but it is perfectly acceptable to work in a bookshop.
So outside of this, I feel very alone. San Luis Obispo is an amazingly beautiful city with many wonderful restaurants, a very lively artsy scene (which is a definite attraction to any city Becky lives in), beautiful beaches, and great weather. But I do not know many people and I am seriously lacking the community that I have learned that I, and each human on this planet, desperately need. I have learned a lot about myself over the last year in being on my own and traveling abroad; one of these things is that I have a hard time reaching out and connecting to people. Married to this is that I have a deep fear of commitment and rejection, so I tend to stay on the safe side relationally because I don't want to be hurt. However, this fear and stasis leaves me in a place of feeling outside, feeling alone. I love the time I have spent with my mother and my aunt and deeply value these relationships, but I need more.
With this in mind, I took some bold steps this week to reach out and get plugged in, I joined a ministry at church and hopefully a community group, because this is exactly the kind of community I am in need of: deep, more than superficial, and intentional.
But I am terrified.
What if this means I am stuck here in SLO? I feel all the time that I am in a holding pattern here, that I will make some money seek opportunity and leave to Fullerton or to London or to New York City...I do not want to settle here. This is where my mom is. This is where my family has been for many generations, which is cool, but I want to blaze my own trail, I want to be my own person, to be brave with this life of mine. But these fears keep popping up and I stay.
Logistically, moving cannot happen right now, I just don't have the funds and need a proper job wherever I would move to before I can afford to settle. Thus, I have realized, I am here right now; waiting for the next best thing, the next road, to dig into community is not a wise plan because I will miss out on the here in now. I will miss out on what God has for me in San Luis Obispo, California in 2013.
As I embrace the here and now, I sit in a torn and double-minded state. I desperately miss Europe. I miss the culture. I miss the people. I miss the ease of travel. I miss the independent life I established for myself while I was there. But when I was there, I desperately missed things of California: people, sunshine, food, life. So I am torn as far as what the next best right step in my life should be. So this is a season of prayerfully seeking that out while not missing out on the now. This is a season in which I do need to have space and time on my own, so it is good that I have not filled it with people and events to pull me away from that, but I need sounding boards, I need pray-ers, but I need to invest to gain investment.
So, dear friends, if you have called me and I have ignored you or been away, I apologize. I have not felt good about the state of mind and life I have been in, so I did not want to talk about it, so I didn't answer. I am sorry. This is the opposite of what I need to do. Please continue pursuing me. Ask me tough questions about things because I need to struggle with the answers. I want this season to be one of continued growth. I have realized that this time in San Luis Obispo is a continuation of my year in Dublin. I made a choice to go away, to follow this path of risk and adventure and learning who I am and how I deal with things. So, here is to more along these adventuring lines. We shall see what the future hold.
If you have read this far I am amazed and I thank you for caring enough to put up with this stream-of-consciousness post. I need community and connection and accountability so I felt very strongly that this is something that I should share.
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