"Look at me and tell me who I am, why I am, what I am..."

Well hello internetland! Long time, no see.

I started this blog when I left for grad school in Ireland 8 YEARS AGO!! I had big dreams for what that would mean, what this space would look like, and the person that I would become.

The song (quoted as the title of this post) from the musical "Jekyll and Hyde" (don't judge me, Broadway shows are the work of our Lord Jesus), has always been the song I return to and belt in self-evaluation. So here I am again, asking the big questions.

Like all big dreams, with hefty expectations attached, things did not turn out anything like I had planned. The deepest reality of this exists in the space since I have returned to the United States and existed in a liminal space of wanting to become "something"--an ideal self--and not really meeting with that reality.

But looking back on the time since I have returned, or even reflecting on the time that I existed in Ireland, a lot of big, hard, beautiful life things have happened that have completely changed my perspective. So sitting here, in Portland, Oregon on a Saturday night, at the end of my Sabbath (a practice I have begun consistently since existing here--more on that later), at the ripe, old age of 35, I am unashamedly proud of the person that I have become even if, in the narrative of the world I live in, I should not be proud.

What has happened in this time, you ask?

• Ramon Viduarri, a dear friend, who held more significance than I can express, died of brain cancer while I was in Ireland. --relational healing tied to this came with my return from Dublin.
• I moved back to California, but San Luis Obispo this time, and I became a bookseller, then a manager at Barnes and Noble.
• My dad died. Trauma. Pain. Facing down the demons of a terrible and unresolved relationship with a difficult man still continues...
• I moved to Portland, Oregon.
• I left Barnes and Noble to try my hand at the Tech Industry...spoiler alert, it did not go well.
• I left a tumultuous living situation to exist in a new space with my doppleganger who was now married. Growth, change, newness ensued.
• I got a job at Powell's City of Books--a dream.
• I fought, and learned, and grew, and cried, and broke down, and struggled, and earned a Master's Degree in education. I am now credentialed to teach High School English.
• I worked as a substitute teacher.
• I had a mental breakdown and experienced paralysis in the face of HOW HARD TEACHING IS! There is a lot to say about this. This is not a job for the faint of heart!
• I jumped into a new church community focused on the practice of the spiritual disciplines or practices--something I have been desperately seeking. 
• I found community and connection in a faith space that I have been looking for since leaving Rock Harbor Fullerton to head to Ireland. 
• I woke up to the real heart and justice inclination and passion God placed in me--especially around women, LGBTQIA+ communities, and communities of color. (in other words, God showed me that smashing white supremacy and the patriarchy is the work of God!)
• I realized that I am called to a life dedicated to singleness and feel free and empowered in this truth. Singleness and celibacy is nothing to be ashamed of sharing. I am a complete and fulfilled person.
• I tentatively and trepidatiously dipped my toe back into the teaching space with an adjunct position at a small, Christ-centered (WHAT?!), liberal arts university. This was the best decision--this is a place focused on community and diversity and the unity of humanity and theology in ways I have never seen. Teaching populations that have historically been told college was not a space for them is life-giving and I grow every day. Creativity and life abound.
• I turned 35 and began to wonder if this would be the year the Parkinson's would get me. This is the age dad was when he began experiencing the disease that would define the rest of his life.  I wonder what work God has for me to do. I want my work on this earth to be good and bring justice and love into the world. I think about the fact that MLK was only 4 years older than I am now when he was ripped from this planet, and look at his legacy.

So here I sit, at 35, a work in progress--still. I want my small life to have ripples for good rather than evil. I want to have adventures, and life this life to the fullest. I want my small life to matter. So here is to being brave with this one wild life. 

I hope to share with you again soon...

Hello again. How are you?

**I discovered this unpublished post from 3 years ago, and decided this dark moment that I was afraid to publish is worth sharing.

Wow, it has been close to two years since I have posted here. I would like to say that it is because my life has been far too full of wandering adventures to afford me time to write, but that is simply not true. As I look over the last post from 2 years ago, I find that not much has changed within me or my experiences.

I have, however, taken baby steps to achieve one of the big pieces of my list--to do work that I care about that is (somewhat) outside of the 9-5 office bubble. I fought, cried, stressed, questioned my sanity, questioned my personhood, questioned everything, and completed a Master's degree in education that additionally qualifies me for my teaching credential. This was a long and very fraught decision, but I feel that all roads for me have lead to teaching. But I still don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I am any good at it. I don't know if I can commit to ANYTHING in this life, even a life-giving wonder that teaching can be. But here I sit, waiting to take the risk and jump in, contingent on a job, that is. So, I am scared. But wandering and reflecting on this life I've chosen in the mean time.