"The cell is the place of being shut away with God, and with yourself. This may be a physical place or just a choice to be opened to Him in an interior way. We know it is exactly what we need, but avoid time alone and find other things to address in order to delay it."
~Celtic Daily Prayer Book
This speaks to so many things in my life and head right now, and is evident in the fact that there has been radio silence on this blog. I have been back in the U.S.A. for 3 months now and, if I am honest, though I am using this time to process and re-adjust from my year in the Land of Eire, I have not allowed myself to do so. A large part of my reasoning for this is the idea that if I never process, never adjust then the year, the journey will not be over. I do not want to admit that it is over and have to return to the mundane things of life: bills, employment, etc. But something that I have come to realize in the past few weeks is that this phase, this re-adjusting, figuring out American life is also part of the journey of my year in Ireland. I am still in the adventure of a life well-lived. The present is a real challenge in figuring out what that looks like back amidst the familiar--to not fall back into complacent and comfortable habits, but live a life of risk and adventure.
In this vein, in the months I have been back on U.S. soil I have continued to move and travel and catch up with people, which has been grand, but I fear that a lot of it comes from a desire to never stop and sit in silence and hear the reality of how I am. But evenso, it has been great. I stopped off for a week in New York City before returning to the West Coast and NYC was magically amazing. I have a friend, the lovely Jessica, who is now a NYC resident, so I was able to stay in her Washington Heights apartment (yes, that's correct, Jessica lives "In the Heights"!). I did all of the typical, yet necessary touristy things while in the city, which, of course, included a Broadway show of "Peter and the Starcatchers" which was imaginative and fantastical and wonderful, a great choice! From New York I returned to San Luis Obispo with my darling mother to greet me with a homecooked meal and a smile. Not wanting to settle yet, I decided to run away a week later to Southern California, Orange County to be exact to see all my old haunts and friends. It was a hear-warming, but also strange experience. As I have returned to familiar people and places there is a strange sense of the familiar becoming foreign as I realize more and more just how much I assimilated into Irish life and culture and little American-isms now seem odd. A year away is a good amount of time to adjust, then have to learn to re-adjust again (though to be honest, I am rather resistant to assimilating completely back into American culture, after all, being Irish is great craic!). I then journeyed to San Diego to see my city that will always feel like home, and indeed that remains to be true, I stepped off the train and walked downtown and felt at home, and happy. Wandering this city after a year of European travel and adventure was a new experience, seeing things from a new perspective, and just experiencing how sprawling Southern California is as compared to Dublin and cities in the U.K. was strange. But I still have a deep love for my hometown.
After these Southern California adventures, I had the pleasure of a good friend driving back to SLO with me. A friend that I have been through a lot with and that I missed a lot that happened in her life this year. Large events that changed the landscape of our friendship and emotions occurred this year, and we had a very good week of hanging out and crying and just being present together as we were not able to while I was away.
Following this, I ran away yet again and flew to a small town called Fountain Green, Utah where my aunt lives, and now my father lives with her. The idea that he is no longer in San Diego, where he has seemingly always been is very strange. Such change while I was away. But spending time getting to know their life in Utah and Arizona (where they spend the winter) was good. It is a beautiful area with red hills and sheep and cows and horses, very idyllic and iconically middle America. It was fantastic getting to know my aunt better and it was good seeing my dad, though hard to see his state of health, his Parkinson's is not treating him too well, but I gathered that he is doing better than a year ago, so there is hope in that.
After 10 days in Utah, it was time to fly back to San Luis Obispo, to fly back and decide what the next best right step would be. This is something I was fearing; what happens next? where do I live? where do I work? who am I now? Despite these fears and insecurities, I know with conviction that I am an immensely lucky person to have had the year of adventure that I had, and to have such a loving, supportive, understanding mother who is there for me no matter what. She has been amazing in allowing me to remain in her house and providing food and basic life necessities that I require and cannot afford in my huge state of debt.
So, what have I decided? Where am I now? Well, as far as deciding what I want to do with my life and what this next season looks like, I am still drawing a blank, but as of today I am allowing myself space and quiet to process these things. I have gotten a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble Bookstore here in SLO, which does not give me many hours or much money, but I am enjoying it. It would be easy, and is easy, to feel that I have "failed" in that I am working a minimum wage job and living with my mother at the age of 27, but I refuse to think this. I want to experience life and take every moment for all it's worth. I did exactly that this past year: I went and lived in a country I have always wanted to, I studied literature at Trinity College Dublin and achieved a Master's degree, I traveled all over the U.K. and Ireland...I wish I could have seen more of Europe, but evenso I experienced this year. I am trusting and prayerful about the next season...whether it means remaining here, heading back to Orange County and finding a job down there, the possibility of teacher training, or the ever enticing draw to return to Europe and figure it all out there.
But I will not miss a moment. I will intentionally seek quiet space, my cell, and engage and reflect to not just go through the motions of life and run away. This will not be easy, but I am trusting that it will be good. So here is to the continued journey. Cheers.
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