Jesus' prayer was, 'Father forgive them;
they know not what they do.'
A prayer born in death, writhing with pain.
A prayer risking faith, facing the sorrow.
A prayer living in hope, seeing the future.
My prayer was, 'God, how can I forgive them?
They do know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'It still hurts.'
A prayer wanting vengeance.
A prayer seeking direction.
My prayer became, 'God, help me forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'They were wrong.'
A prayer wanting reconciliation.
A prayer seeking courage.
My prayer became, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer that wrestled with injustice.
A prayer that acknowledges weakness.
A prayer that found home in God's love.
My prayer remains, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
Because forgiving creates life from death.
Because forgiving cleanses the healing wound.
Because forgiving builds the bridge of freedom.
~Jared P. Pingleton The Role and Function of Forgiveness.
I find this picture of the process of forgiveness to be so very true to life. I love the attempts at prayer and the honesty therein. Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness requires humility and surrender--things contrary to natural human reactions when wronged. But forgiveness brings life and freedom, not to mention healing and reconciliation to relationships. Being on the other side of this, and looking back, I see just how true these words are. Letting go of the shackles of hurt and resentment and even cyncism and stepping into forgiveness is supremely freeing and life-giving. God knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive.
22 June 2012
14 June 2012
A beautifully honest prayer
I see Your hands,
not white and manicured, but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out--
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today--
hurt more than me--
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
and warmth, that says You're there.
~Eddie Askew Many Voices, Once Voice
not white and manicured, but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out--
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today--
hurt more than me--
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
and warmth, that says You're there.
~Eddie Askew Many Voices, Once Voice
03 June 2012
New Flat
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| I am now officially a Dubliner, living in the city centre. The view from my bedroom window. |
For those of you that may be interested in my new city centre flat, I thought I would post the pictures on here rather than Facebook, so not everyone in the world has to see where I live. I absolutely love this place and feel so blessed to be where I am and have my own lovely space that is just so very me.
 |
| Here on the street where I live... |
 |
| My front door. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I officially have a Dublin door! |
 |
| The entryway and stairway up to my flat...4 flights of stairs to ascend. |
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| The dining area. |
 |
| My tiny kitchen, but look, a washer/dryer!! |
 |
| The living area, with a super comfy couch |
 |
| The winding stair... |
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| My upstairs loft-y bedroom. |
15 May 2012
Reflections
As of today, I have been in Ireland for 8 months. What have these months meant? What have these months been?
The short answer: many things.
It has been exciting. It has been adventuresome. It has been terrifying. It has been heart-breaking. It has been beautiful. It has been a dream. It has been a time of growth. It has been a time of trust.
As I officially turn from class time to the next phase of my Master's programme: dissertation time I am forced to reflect on what has been. Academically, I have been greatly stretched, to read things I wouldn't have normally (especially romance) and to think about things I have read in new and sometimes disturbing ways (the Victorians will never look the same). Among these challenges, I have been forced to face many of my academic and/or intellectual insecurities head-on. I have never felt confident in my writing, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the process of thinking of an idea relating to a book I have read and delving into it--researching, discussing, thinking, learning--but I am not such a fan of actually putting these thoughts into words. But I signed on to do just this when I decided to head into postgraduate education. The process has not been any easier, but I was able to write about things I absolutely love, not many can say that, my papers have included: Peter Pan and the concept of nostalgia; Northanger Abbey as a defense of Gothic, silly, women's novels; a look at the trees and forests of The Lord of the Rings; and even the depiction of gender in The Hunger Games. Getting to do in-depth studies of these things has been a dream, and I have been surprised by the positive feedback on some, and terribly depressed by the negative feedback on others. But I have learned that, though important, the marks I get on these things are not the be-all, end-all or purpose of my participating in this programme. My answer, when asked why I chose this, or is this going to lead to anything career-wise, is always that I have embarked upon this journey to become a better and more well-rounded person. And I think that this is true. I need to remember that this is the priority, not my reputation, not my marks.
Related to this, some of the best parts of these 8 months have been the opportunities that I have had to travel. If you have seen this blog at all, you have heard about some of the trips I have been able to take, so I won't bore you with the details. But every year I come up with a word that will characterize how I live out that year (as opposed to the resolutions that many people make), and for 2012, the word was "experience." Thus far, I think this has been true of my year, there has been a lot to experience, and many many new adventures, both good and bad that I have been privy to. Visiting areas I have always longed to go and touching sacred grounds is indescribable and something that has changed me, memories that I will hold forever.
Along with the good and joyous memories, are the bittersweet. There were many things I knew and I was afraid of missing when I left home to travel across the pond: many weddings, engagements, births, and other life-events that I was sad to miss, but would celebrate when I returned. I was not prepared, however, to miss the passing of a dear friend. March was not a good month. Ramon Vidaurri was a remarkable person. His love for God was so evident in every conversation, and in the very way he lived his life. He was so full of fun and joy and music. I counted him amongst my dear friends. Though there had been hardship, I always knew and thought I had him to turn to and trust. Hearing, in December that he had cancer, was heart-breaking. I couldn't believe it could happen to someone as young and full of life as Ramon. And to think of the fact that he and Allie had been married in May and had so little time together was equally infuriating. But even in this pain, I hoped and prayed that he would recover, that God had a purpose for his life and that I would see him again. This was not to be, in March, God called Ramon to heaven. This absolutely broke me, if I am honest about it. How could this happen? After everything that we had been through, that the end of the story is that Ramon is gone? And to be over here when it happened, to not say goodbye, to not get to mourn with my dear friends, to have the consolation that mourning together brings. Equally difficult, to miss the services remembering Ramon. Most of all, it has been impossibly hard to be so far away when my dear friend Allie is in so much pain. All I have wanted to do is to sit with her, hug her, cry with her, be silent with her, yell with her, to be there. But, through all of this, through this process, God has been present. I know this to be true. He has shown me that this is part of that word I chose for this year. God has me in Ireland for a reason, even as this occurred, even as hard as it is. I was forced to lean into Him, and to seek comfort in the one true Comforter. Though this has not solve all my problems, it has not taken the pain away, I have seen into the true nature of my Jesus, and He weeps with us for the death of Ramon. God did not intend for cancer and death to exist in this world, He hates these things and the pain that they cause. And over and over God has shown me that Ramon is okay, that he is absolutely rocking out with Jesus. I have this vision of him having found a guitar and playing songs of his own invention for Jesus. This image never ceases to bring a smile to my face. The pain and shock of this loss is still present, but I trust in the comfort of the Lord as I sit on this isle of saints and scholars. I have no doubt that when I return to the States, and see my community, and feel the hole in it, the pain will rise anew, but I am learning that this is part of the experience and that God is refining me through this. But, all I can say about that is, ouch.
Mixed with this pain is joy and excitement for this next and last phase of my life here in Ireland. I am moving from Trinity Hall to a lovely flat right in the city centre. I am so relieved and excited at the prospect of this new flat. One of the best joys associated with this is that my lovely mom will be here with me to help move in and I get to show her a bit of what my life in Dublin is like. I feel so deeply for the need of her presence. It is funny, no matter how old we get, a hug from mom can always make a huge difference. Don't worry, I know you are all asking for pictures of my flat already, they will come once I am moved in! And to have a place all my own to breathe in and have space to work on my dissertation is a relief.
Student accommodation has been nice because I came to Ireland knowing that I had a place to live when I arrived, but being back in a dorm situation after years of independent living has been a challenge, to say the least; especially when I realize that I am almost 10 years older than many of the freshers living and partying here. So, moving into my own place, is going to be amazing!
I mentioned earlier my insecurities with academic writing, so facing writing a 15,000 word dissertation that is, in essence, the entire weight of my Master's degree is terrifying. I am so excited about the topic: Hard-boiled detective fiction and Film Noir and the way in which they depict 1930s and 1940s Hollywood. (think foggy, seedy, crime-ridden streets and fast-talking detectives with femme fatales at their side). But this will be published and needs to be intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I think I do have some intelligent thoughts, but putting them down on paper proves difficult. Luckily, I think I have a fantastic advisor who is pretty much the coolest woman ever and very knowledgeable on the content which I am choosing to write. But, despite the fear, I am excited to embark on this research, and the things I will learn, and more importantly, the person I will become in doing so.
So, here is to this next phase. I expect challenge, fear, joy, blessing, excitement, and above all, experience.
I am sure this is far more than anyone needed to know about how I am doing at the moment, but thanks for reading this far and engaging with me.
The short answer: many things.
It has been exciting. It has been adventuresome. It has been terrifying. It has been heart-breaking. It has been beautiful. It has been a dream. It has been a time of growth. It has been a time of trust.
As I officially turn from class time to the next phase of my Master's programme: dissertation time I am forced to reflect on what has been. Academically, I have been greatly stretched, to read things I wouldn't have normally (especially romance) and to think about things I have read in new and sometimes disturbing ways (the Victorians will never look the same). Among these challenges, I have been forced to face many of my academic and/or intellectual insecurities head-on. I have never felt confident in my writing, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the process of thinking of an idea relating to a book I have read and delving into it--researching, discussing, thinking, learning--but I am not such a fan of actually putting these thoughts into words. But I signed on to do just this when I decided to head into postgraduate education. The process has not been any easier, but I was able to write about things I absolutely love, not many can say that, my papers have included: Peter Pan and the concept of nostalgia; Northanger Abbey as a defense of Gothic, silly, women's novels; a look at the trees and forests of The Lord of the Rings; and even the depiction of gender in The Hunger Games. Getting to do in-depth studies of these things has been a dream, and I have been surprised by the positive feedback on some, and terribly depressed by the negative feedback on others. But I have learned that, though important, the marks I get on these things are not the be-all, end-all or purpose of my participating in this programme. My answer, when asked why I chose this, or is this going to lead to anything career-wise, is always that I have embarked upon this journey to become a better and more well-rounded person. And I think that this is true. I need to remember that this is the priority, not my reputation, not my marks.
Related to this, some of the best parts of these 8 months have been the opportunities that I have had to travel. If you have seen this blog at all, you have heard about some of the trips I have been able to take, so I won't bore you with the details. But every year I come up with a word that will characterize how I live out that year (as opposed to the resolutions that many people make), and for 2012, the word was "experience." Thus far, I think this has been true of my year, there has been a lot to experience, and many many new adventures, both good and bad that I have been privy to. Visiting areas I have always longed to go and touching sacred grounds is indescribable and something that has changed me, memories that I will hold forever.
Along with the good and joyous memories, are the bittersweet. There were many things I knew and I was afraid of missing when I left home to travel across the pond: many weddings, engagements, births, and other life-events that I was sad to miss, but would celebrate when I returned. I was not prepared, however, to miss the passing of a dear friend. March was not a good month. Ramon Vidaurri was a remarkable person. His love for God was so evident in every conversation, and in the very way he lived his life. He was so full of fun and joy and music. I counted him amongst my dear friends. Though there had been hardship, I always knew and thought I had him to turn to and trust. Hearing, in December that he had cancer, was heart-breaking. I couldn't believe it could happen to someone as young and full of life as Ramon. And to think of the fact that he and Allie had been married in May and had so little time together was equally infuriating. But even in this pain, I hoped and prayed that he would recover, that God had a purpose for his life and that I would see him again. This was not to be, in March, God called Ramon to heaven. This absolutely broke me, if I am honest about it. How could this happen? After everything that we had been through, that the end of the story is that Ramon is gone? And to be over here when it happened, to not say goodbye, to not get to mourn with my dear friends, to have the consolation that mourning together brings. Equally difficult, to miss the services remembering Ramon. Most of all, it has been impossibly hard to be so far away when my dear friend Allie is in so much pain. All I have wanted to do is to sit with her, hug her, cry with her, be silent with her, yell with her, to be there. But, through all of this, through this process, God has been present. I know this to be true. He has shown me that this is part of that word I chose for this year. God has me in Ireland for a reason, even as this occurred, even as hard as it is. I was forced to lean into Him, and to seek comfort in the one true Comforter. Though this has not solve all my problems, it has not taken the pain away, I have seen into the true nature of my Jesus, and He weeps with us for the death of Ramon. God did not intend for cancer and death to exist in this world, He hates these things and the pain that they cause. And over and over God has shown me that Ramon is okay, that he is absolutely rocking out with Jesus. I have this vision of him having found a guitar and playing songs of his own invention for Jesus. This image never ceases to bring a smile to my face. The pain and shock of this loss is still present, but I trust in the comfort of the Lord as I sit on this isle of saints and scholars. I have no doubt that when I return to the States, and see my community, and feel the hole in it, the pain will rise anew, but I am learning that this is part of the experience and that God is refining me through this. But, all I can say about that is, ouch.
Mixed with this pain is joy and excitement for this next and last phase of my life here in Ireland. I am moving from Trinity Hall to a lovely flat right in the city centre. I am so relieved and excited at the prospect of this new flat. One of the best joys associated with this is that my lovely mom will be here with me to help move in and I get to show her a bit of what my life in Dublin is like. I feel so deeply for the need of her presence. It is funny, no matter how old we get, a hug from mom can always make a huge difference. Don't worry, I know you are all asking for pictures of my flat already, they will come once I am moved in! And to have a place all my own to breathe in and have space to work on my dissertation is a relief.
Student accommodation has been nice because I came to Ireland knowing that I had a place to live when I arrived, but being back in a dorm situation after years of independent living has been a challenge, to say the least; especially when I realize that I am almost 10 years older than many of the freshers living and partying here. So, moving into my own place, is going to be amazing!
I mentioned earlier my insecurities with academic writing, so facing writing a 15,000 word dissertation that is, in essence, the entire weight of my Master's degree is terrifying. I am so excited about the topic: Hard-boiled detective fiction and Film Noir and the way in which they depict 1930s and 1940s Hollywood. (think foggy, seedy, crime-ridden streets and fast-talking detectives with femme fatales at their side). But this will be published and needs to be intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I think I do have some intelligent thoughts, but putting them down on paper proves difficult. Luckily, I think I have a fantastic advisor who is pretty much the coolest woman ever and very knowledgeable on the content which I am choosing to write. But, despite the fear, I am excited to embark on this research, and the things I will learn, and more importantly, the person I will become in doing so.
So, here is to this next phase. I expect challenge, fear, joy, blessing, excitement, and above all, experience.
I am sure this is far more than anyone needed to know about how I am doing at the moment, but thanks for reading this far and engaging with me.
12 May 2012
A Prayer of St. Columba
Delightful I think it to be
in the bosom of an isle
on the crest of a rock
that I may see often
the calm of the sea,
that I may pore on one of my books
good for my soul,
a while kneeling for beloved heaven,
a while at psalms,
a while at meditating upon the
Prince of Heaven.
This is the prayer on my heart and mind today. I love the heart of St. Columba. A prince in Ireland who devoted his life to his Jesus and to setting up monasteries and leading others in life with God. A beautiful man with a heart for God's beautiful creation and eyes set upon heaven. May my life look like this.
in the bosom of an isle
on the crest of a rock
that I may see often
the calm of the sea,
that I may pore on one of my books
good for my soul,
a while kneeling for beloved heaven,
a while at psalms,
a while at meditating upon the
Prince of Heaven.
This is the prayer on my heart and mind today. I love the heart of St. Columba. A prince in Ireland who devoted his life to his Jesus and to setting up monasteries and leading others in life with God. A beautiful man with a heart for God's beautiful creation and eyes set upon heaven. May my life look like this.
28 April 2012
Hello Again.
What have I been up to, you ask?
I have finished the in-class portion of my programme, and it is crazy to realize the reality of that. This time has absolutely flown by. I am so very glad that I took the step and decided to participate in this masters in popular literature. I learned so much about literature as a whole as it has evolved through time and about people's reading habits. It was so great to be exposed to such much different literature and different genres within it, from Austen to Dickens to Science Fiction to Romance to Horror to Graphic Novels. I feel so much more knowledgeable and well-rounded-which was my hope from this programme. It definitely has not always been easy, there were a lot of things that very much challenged the ways that I think about literature and about the world as a whole and I have had to assess what I think about popular culture and art and what I think these things mean and how they interact. (If you are interested in hearing more about how this played out feel free to ask me, I would love to discuss it with you, but it would make for a VERY long post if I went into all my thoughts on this).
I am by no means finished, I have two essays due this week: one on Lord of the Rings, the other on The Hunger Games; and then there is the dissertation (dun dun dun), no big deal, just the main thing this programme is marked on. I am rather excited to delve into this topic though; I am doing my dissertation on hardboiled or noir detective fiction and it's placement in Hollywood and depiction of Hollywood in the 1930s. This means I have to read lots of Raymond Chandler and the like and watch lots of Film Noir. I am excited about it, but there are lots of nerves too!
I have also been very blessed in my ability to travel. I have taken a lot of dream-come-true type trips.
Trip #1: London at Christmas
 |
| Aston's Apartments: My Kensington Home! |
My friend and doppleganger, Janelle, and I were able to stay in a little vacation flat in South Kensington for 15 glorious days and we had the most wonderful time...
 |
| Off to Neverland!! |
We were able to do and see so much in London I cannot begin to describe everything, but I will try to give the highlights. Being walking distance from Kensington Gardens, we obviously spent a lot of time there with our dear friend, Peter Pan...
 |
| The Gloucester Road Tube station: our home station |
We were so close to the tube that getting around was super easy and fun, and I think I can say with confidence that we became as proficient as locals with using the tube...
We took a jaunt to 221 B Baker St. to see the home of Detective Sherlock Holmes and his dear friend Dr. Watson...
We took a trek over to a very magical and musical place, Abbey Road Studios where we, along with 50 others had to take the iconic picture on the Zebra Walk...
We saw some obligatory cultural icons, of course...
 |
| Big Ben and Parliament |
 |
| The breathtaking Westminster Abbey |
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| Stopping to pose at Buckingham Palace |
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| We happened upon Battersea Pie, a little pie shop in Covent Garden and it changed my life! So good! |
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| Portobello Road (the place where riches of ages are stowed) |
 |
| Tower Bridge |
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| The Tower of London |
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| The British Museum |
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| We went to St. Paul's Cathedral for a beautiful Carol Service to celebrate Christmas. |
 |
| Kensington Palace |
 |
| Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, William Wordsworth, Virginia Woolf, the Magna Carta, the Beatles *bliss* |
Like the good bibliophiles that we are, we had to take in the literary sights...
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| And a dream visit to Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. |
We took a couple daytrips via the National Rail out of London to see some other literary hotspots...
#1: Oxford
#2 Stratford-Upon-Avon
 |
| Anne Hathaway's Cottage |
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| Shakespeare's Birthplace and family home |
The theatre, the theatre, what's happened to the theatre...
We could not come to London and pass up the opportunity to visit the West End, also known as "Theatreland"
We loved it so much we came back for a weekend in February to see "Singin' in the Rain" at the Palace Theatre, it was an amazing night!!
And I am just back from another trip through the west of the UK that was an absolute dream, but details of that will have to come later.
I cannot express how blessed I feel to be having these fantastically deep experiences that I know I will carry with me. These are things that I have always dreamed of seeing and doing and every once in a while that hits me and I feel truly happy.
Over the past few months I have come to be a bit homesick for my friends, family, and community; I love you all dearly and you mean the world to me. There are so many moments where I wish I could bring you along with me in my adventures and share a bit of myself, but I look forward to sharing it all with you when I return.
In the meantime I have a visit to look forward to from my lovely Lisa and her mom, Vicki. And I will even get to see my own Mommy here in Ireland very soon. I can't wait to share my experiences tangibly with them!
I am here for another 5 months or so and I am looking forward to the experiences it promises, and I can't wait to share them with you!! (I promise I will get better about updating this blog now that I am a little more free).
29 January 2012
How am I doing?
Many of you have asked me this question. I think, the best way to respond truthfully is through the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer...
This is where I sit.
Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time, it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.
This is where I sit.
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