The Journey Continues

"The cell is the place of being shut away with God, and with yourself. This may be a physical place or just a choice to be opened to Him in an interior way. We know it is exactly what we need, but avoid time alone and find other things to address in order to delay it."
                                                                                            ~Celtic Daily Prayer Book

This speaks to so many things in my life and head right now, and is evident in the fact that there has been radio silence on this blog. I have been back in the U.S.A. for 3 months now and, if I am honest, though I am using this time to process and re-adjust from my year in the Land of Eire, I have not allowed myself to do so. A large part of my reasoning for this is the idea that if I never process, never adjust then the year, the journey will not be over. I do not want to admit that it is over and have to return to the mundane things of life: bills, employment, etc. But something that I have come to realize in the past few weeks is that this phase, this re-adjusting, figuring out American life is also part of the journey of my year in Ireland. I am still in the adventure of a life well-lived. The present is a real challenge in figuring out what that looks like back amidst the familiar--to not fall back into complacent and comfortable habits, but live a life of risk and adventure.

In this vein, in the months I have been back on U.S. soil I have continued to move and travel and catch up with people, which has been grand, but I fear that a lot of it comes from a desire to never stop and sit in silence and hear the reality of how I am. But evenso, it has been great. I stopped off for a week in New York City before returning to the West Coast and NYC was magically amazing. I have a friend, the lovely Jessica, who is now a NYC resident, so I was able to stay in her Washington Heights apartment (yes, that's correct, Jessica lives "In the Heights"!). I did all of the typical, yet necessary touristy things while in the city, which, of course, included a Broadway show of "Peter and the Starcatchers" which was imaginative and fantastical and wonderful, a great choice! From New York I returned to San Luis Obispo with my darling mother to greet me with a homecooked meal and a smile. Not wanting to settle yet, I decided to run away a week later to Southern California, Orange County to be exact to see all my old haunts and friends. It was a hear-warming, but also strange experience. As I have returned to familiar people and places there is a strange sense of the familiar becoming foreign as I realize more and more just how much I assimilated into Irish life and culture and little American-isms now seem odd. A year away is a good amount of time to adjust, then have to learn to re-adjust again (though to be honest, I am rather resistant to assimilating completely back into American culture, after all, being Irish is great craic!). I then journeyed to San Diego to see my city that will always feel like home, and indeed that remains to be true, I stepped off the train and walked downtown and felt at home, and happy. Wandering this city after a year of European travel and adventure was a new experience, seeing things from a new perspective, and just experiencing how sprawling Southern California is as compared to Dublin and cities in the U.K. was strange. But I still have a deep love for my hometown.

After these Southern California adventures, I had the pleasure of a good friend driving back to SLO with me. A friend that I have been through a lot with and that I missed a lot that happened in her life this year. Large events that changed the landscape of our friendship and emotions occurred this year, and we had a very good week of hanging out and crying and just being present together as we were not able to while I was away.

Following this, I ran away yet again and flew to a small town called Fountain Green, Utah where my aunt lives, and now my father lives with her. The idea that he is no longer in San Diego, where he has seemingly always been is very strange. Such change while I was away. But spending time getting to know their life in Utah and Arizona (where they spend the winter) was good. It is a beautiful area with red hills and sheep and cows and horses, very idyllic and iconically middle America. It was fantastic getting to know my aunt better and it was good seeing my dad, though hard to see his state of health, his Parkinson's is not treating him too well, but I gathered that he is doing better than a year ago, so there is hope in that.

After 10 days in Utah, it was time to fly back to San Luis Obispo, to fly back and decide what the next best right step would be. This is something I was fearing; what happens next? where do I live? where do I work? who am I now? Despite these fears and insecurities, I know with conviction that I am an immensely lucky person to have had the year of adventure that I had, and to have such a loving, supportive, understanding mother who is there for me no matter what. She has been amazing in allowing me to remain in her house and providing food and basic life necessities that I require and cannot afford in my huge state of debt.

So, what have I decided? Where am I now? Well, as far as deciding what I want to do with my life and what this next season looks like, I am still drawing a blank, but as of today I am allowing myself space and quiet to process these things. I have gotten a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble Bookstore here in SLO, which does not give me many hours or much money, but I am enjoying it. It would be easy, and is easy, to feel that I have "failed" in that I am working a minimum wage job and living with my mother at the age of 27, but I refuse to think this. I want to experience life and take every moment for all it's worth. I did exactly that this past year: I went and lived in a country I have always wanted to, I studied literature at Trinity College Dublin and achieved a Master's degree, I traveled all over the U.K. and Ireland...I wish I could have seen more of Europe, but evenso I experienced this year. I am trusting and prayerful about the next season...whether it means remaining here, heading back to Orange County and finding a job down there, the possibility of teacher training, or the ever enticing draw to return to Europe and figure it all out there.

But I will not miss a moment. I will intentionally seek quiet space, my cell, and engage and reflect to not just go through the motions of life and run away. This will not be easy, but I am trusting that it will be good. So here is to the continued journey. Cheers.

Bittersweet

. . . is the word of the moment.

I cannot believe that I am already leaving Ireland. A year has gone by so fast.
This has been a crazy, fun, trying, lonely, new friend-filled year.
I have learned a lot both academically and personally. I have learned so much about who I am as a person. I have learned a lot about how I deal with tough times. I have learned so much about literature and how to look at and think about literature.

This year spent in Ireland really has been a life-changing, dream-come-true sort of year, no matter how cliche that sounds. To get to see and experience these places I have always dreamt of going has been amazing. There is so much more I want to experience, it hurts to leave. I feel like I am tearing myself away and such a big part of me will stay here.

But with all this melancholy at departing, there is so much excitement to return. To start with I am over the moon with excitement to have one last travelling hoorah and get to spend time with a lovely friend who has just moved to New York. I have never spent time in New York and always wanted to, and to get to do it with a "local" will be amazing. The perfect welcome back to the States, and a final adventure before returning home. I am excited.

There is so much that I have missed about California, most of all my lovely friends, family, and community. I am not, however, looking forward to the weather, despite what everyone in Ireland says. I have come to adore the rain. I love stepping outside and not knowing what weather I will be stepping into...sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's overcast, ok most of the time it's overcast, and at some point in the day, you know there will be rain. I love that variety. And I have gotten used to the cooler temperatures, the fact that when it is 15C/60F I am outside without a sweater, basking in the warmth. In my previous life I would have been putting a sweater on about then. I fear I will melt in the California sun. There will definitely be some re-adjusting to do. Cultural re-adjustment as well, I have a feeling. I will miss the pub lifestyle, to stop in, have a seat, have a pint, have a conversation, I have met such interesting people throughout the year, I love it. I'll miss the crazy Irish accents and way of speaking...I will miss the grand craic with your man that happens here :-)

So, I will make the most of these last few days, trying to fit as much of Ireland in my suitcases as I can, and eating up the experiences I have left. This has been a landmark year. There have been some serious struggles and challenges, but I am so glad that I took a risk, took a step, and came. I will never be the same.

Dissertation Blues...

My life at the moment:

Work, work, work, work.
Write, write, write...

FREAK OUT

What the heck am I doing with my life?! What is a dissertation? Can I write a dissertation? What have I gotten myself into?

Work, work, work work.
Research, read, think, plan, outline.
Write, write, edit, revise, write some more.

Pack a box. Ship a box to California.

FREAK OUT

I leave in 3 weeks! 3 weeks!!! I will never get this dissertation done in that time! I am leaving Ireland, I do not want to go! I am going back to California. Where am I going to live? I am broke. How will I pay for food? Where will I work? What will the next adventure look like? Can I handle another adventure? What am I doing with my life?!

Work. Work.  Work.
Watch a film. Watch the commentary. Take notes.
Write. Write. Write.


Repeat.

On living

Tonight I have made a comforting realization. Want to hear it?

I have realized that despite the fears, despite the insecurities, despite the pressures and despite the anxieties that come upon me from time to time, the priorities I have set: to live life--to truly live and experience life--are realities I have lived out.

I have always said that I do not want to be a person who lets life pass me by. I do not want to be 90 years old and say I wish I had...

Day to day I become bogged down in what I can only describe as societal pressures of feeling that I need to be more successful, I need to have a career, a house, a husband, a "life." But then I realize that I do not want all those things. My desire is for so much more because I know that there is so much more in the world and so much more to life than convention. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but I want to live, to experience, to have a unique life, and, for me, that means not living the "American Dream."

I have many moments of deep darkness and anxiety that I have gone down the wrong path, that I have not been "wise" with time or money in these experiences. But then the realization comes to me that I don't care. I will pay for these things somehow. I will be ok. I will be more than ok because I am a changed person with experiences that will stay with me. I do not want to live a life characterized by fear, a feeling I am prone to. I want to risk, to go, to live and let the details fall into place. And they have.

Looking at my adult life I see that there are many moments of this sort if paralysis, then by the grace and strength of God, I have been able to shake these and take risks. I am proud of this fact--it is something that I have only come to realize tonight. I want to remain and to grow even more into this person. I want to be a person of thoughtfulness and wisdom, who seeks the right path. However, I do not want to sit in that waiting period in such a way that it becomes a crutch, I will continue to live and risk and savour every moment of this live that has been gifted to me.

I took the risk and moved back to Southern California with no job or money in sight, and God provided a fantastic job with wonderful people and a community that truly blessed me and became family.

I took the risk and left that family to travel across the pond to "the homeland," Ireland, and it has been a truly beautiful time. I have had the opportunity to travel and experience things I have long dreamed about. I have grown in so many ways, through both good and difficult times.

I have had a fantastic ride so far, I cannot wait to see what lies in store. This is the first time I have said this and truly meant it. I will no longer be afraid. I have been given this one life, I will not waste it.

Forgiveness

Jesus' prayer was, 'Father forgive them;
they know not what they do.'
A prayer born in death, writhing with pain.
A prayer risking faith, facing the sorrow.
A prayer living in hope, seeing the future.

My prayer was, 'God, how can I forgive them?
They do know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'It still hurts.'
A prayer wanting vengeance.
A prayer seeking direction.

My prayer became, 'God, help me forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'They were wrong.'
A prayer wanting reconciliation.
A prayer seeking courage.

My prayer became, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer that wrestled with injustice.
A prayer that acknowledges weakness.
A prayer that found home in God's love.

My prayer remains, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
Because forgiving creates life from death.
Because forgiving cleanses the healing wound.
Because forgiving builds the bridge of freedom.
                     
                                              ~Jared P. Pingleton The Role and Function of Forgiveness.




I find this picture of the process of forgiveness to be so very true to life. I love the attempts at prayer and the honesty therein. Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness requires humility and surrender--things contrary to natural human reactions when wronged. But forgiveness brings life and freedom, not to mention healing and reconciliation to relationships. Being on the other side of this, and looking back, I see just how true these words are. Letting go of the shackles of hurt and resentment and even cyncism and stepping into forgiveness is supremely freeing and life-giving. God knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive.

A beautifully honest prayer

I see Your hands,
not white and manicured, but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out--
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today--
hurt more than me--
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
and warmth, that says You're there.
                                                      ~Eddie Askew Many Voices, Once Voice

New Flat

I am now officially a Dubliner, living in the city centre. The view from my bedroom window.

For those of you that may be interested in my new city centre flat, I thought I would post the pictures on here rather than Facebook, so not everyone in the world has to see where I live. I absolutely love this place and feel so blessed to be where I am and have my own lovely space that is just so very me.

Here on the street where I live...

My front door. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I officially have a Dublin door!

The entryway and stairway up to my flat...4 flights of stairs to ascend.

The dining area.

My tiny kitchen, but look, a washer/dryer!!

The living area, with a super comfy couch

The winding stair...

My upstairs loft-y bedroom. 

Reflections

As of today, I have been in Ireland for 8 months. What have these months meant? What have these months been?

The short answer: many things.

It has been exciting. It has been adventuresome. It has been terrifying. It has been heart-breaking. It has been beautiful. It has been a dream. It has been a time of growth. It has been a time of trust.

As I officially turn from class time to the next phase of my Master's programme: dissertation time I am forced to reflect on what has been. Academically, I have been greatly stretched, to read things I wouldn't have normally (especially romance) and to think about things I have read in new and sometimes disturbing ways (the Victorians will never look the same). Among these challenges, I have been forced to face many of my academic and/or intellectual insecurities head-on. I have never felt confident in my writing, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the process of thinking of an idea relating to a book I have read and delving into it--researching, discussing, thinking, learning--but I am not such a fan of actually putting these thoughts into words. But I signed on to do just this when I decided to head into postgraduate education. The process has not been any easier, but I was able to write about things I absolutely love, not many can say that, my papers have included: Peter Pan and the concept of nostalgia; Northanger Abbey as a defense of Gothic, silly, women's novels; a look at the trees and forests of The Lord of the Rings; and even the depiction of gender in The Hunger Games. Getting to do in-depth studies of these things has been a dream, and I have been surprised by the positive feedback on some, and terribly depressed by the negative feedback on others. But I have learned that, though important, the marks I get on these things are not the be-all, end-all or purpose of my participating in this programme. My answer, when asked why I chose this, or is this going to lead to anything career-wise, is always that I have embarked upon this journey to become a better and more well-rounded person. And I think that this is true. I need to remember that this is the priority, not my reputation, not my marks.

Related to this, some of the best parts of these 8 months have been the opportunities that I have had to travel. If you have seen this blog at all, you have heard about some of the trips I have been able to take, so I won't bore you with the details. But every year I come up with a word that will characterize how I live out that year (as opposed to the resolutions that many people make), and for 2012, the word was "experience." Thus far, I think this has been true of my year, there has been a lot to experience, and many many new adventures, both good and bad that I have been privy to. Visiting areas I have always longed to go and touching sacred grounds is indescribable and something that has changed me, memories that I will hold forever.

Along with the good and joyous memories, are the bittersweet. There were many things I knew and I was afraid of missing when I left home to travel across the pond: many weddings, engagements, births, and other life-events that I was sad to miss, but would celebrate when I returned. I was not prepared, however, to miss the passing of a dear friend. March was not a good month. Ramon Vidaurri was a remarkable person. His love for God was so evident in every conversation, and in the very way he lived his life. He was so full of fun and joy and music. I counted him amongst my dear friends. Though there had been hardship, I always knew and thought I had him to turn to and trust. Hearing, in December that he had cancer, was heart-breaking. I couldn't believe it could happen to someone as young and full of life as Ramon. And to think of the fact that he and Allie had been married in May and had so little time together was equally infuriating. But even in this pain, I hoped and prayed that he would recover, that God had a purpose for his life and that I would see him again. This was not to be, in March, God called Ramon to heaven. This absolutely broke me, if I am honest about it. How could this happen? After everything that we had been through, that the end of the story is that Ramon is gone? And to be over here when it happened, to not say goodbye, to not get to mourn with my dear friends, to have the consolation that mourning together brings. Equally difficult, to miss the services remembering Ramon. Most of all, it has been impossibly hard to be so far away when my dear friend Allie is in so much pain. All I have wanted to do is to sit with her, hug her, cry with her, be silent with her, yell with her, to be there. But, through all of this, through this process, God has been present. I know this to be true. He has shown me that this is part of that word I chose for this year. God has me in Ireland for a reason, even as this occurred, even as hard as it is. I was forced to lean into Him, and to seek comfort in the one true Comforter. Though this has not solve all my problems, it has not taken the pain away, I have seen into the true nature of my Jesus, and He weeps with us for the death of Ramon. God did not intend for cancer and death to exist in this world, He hates these things and the pain that they cause. And over and over God has shown me that Ramon is okay, that he is absolutely rocking out with Jesus. I have this vision of him having found a guitar and playing songs of his own invention for Jesus. This image never ceases to bring a smile to my face. The pain and shock of this loss is still present, but I trust in the comfort of the Lord as I sit on this isle of saints and scholars. I have no doubt that when I return to the States, and see my community, and feel the hole in it, the pain will rise anew, but I am learning that this is part of the experience and that God is refining me through this. But, all I can say about that is, ouch.

Mixed with this pain is joy and excitement for this next and last phase of my life here in Ireland. I am moving from Trinity Hall to a lovely flat right in the city centre. I am so relieved and excited at the prospect of this new flat. One of the best joys associated with this is that my lovely mom will be here with me to help move in and I get to show her a bit of what my life in Dublin is like. I feel so deeply for the need of her presence. It is funny, no matter how old we get, a hug from mom can always make a huge difference. Don't worry, I know you are all asking for pictures of my flat already, they will come once I am moved in! And to have a place all my own to breathe in and have space to work on my dissertation is a relief.

Student accommodation has been nice because I came to Ireland knowing that I had a place to live when I arrived, but being back in a dorm situation after years of independent living has been a challenge, to say the least; especially when I realize that I am almost 10 years older than many of the freshers living and partying here. So, moving into my own place, is going to be amazing!

I mentioned earlier my insecurities with academic writing, so facing writing a 15,000 word dissertation that is, in essence, the entire weight of my Master's degree is terrifying. I am so excited about the topic: Hard-boiled detective fiction and Film Noir and the way in which they depict 1930s and 1940s Hollywood. (think foggy, seedy, crime-ridden streets and fast-talking detectives with femme fatales at their side). But this will be published and needs to be intelligent. Don't get me wrong, I think I do have some intelligent thoughts, but putting them down on paper proves difficult. Luckily, I think I have a fantastic advisor who is pretty much the coolest woman ever and very knowledgeable on the content which I am choosing to write. But, despite the fear, I am excited to embark on this research, and the things I will learn, and more importantly, the person I will become in doing so.

So, here is to this next phase. I expect challenge, fear, joy, blessing, excitement, and above all, experience.

I am sure this is far more than anyone needed to know about how I am doing at the moment, but thanks for reading this far and engaging with me.

A Prayer of St. Columba

Delightful I think it to be
   in the bosom of an isle
      on the crest of a rock
         that I may see often
             the calm of the sea,
that I may pore on one of my books
   good for my soul,
a while kneeling for beloved heaven,
   a while at psalms,
       a while at meditating upon the
           Prince of Heaven.

This is the prayer on my heart and mind today. I love the heart of St. Columba. A prince in Ireland who devoted his life to his Jesus and to setting up monasteries and leading others in life with God. A beautiful man with a heart for God's beautiful creation and eyes set upon heaven. May my life look like this.

Hello Again.

Why hello there world. I realize I have disappeared for a while. Well, here I am back again. 

What have I been up to, you ask?

 Well, quite a lot, as a matter of fact.

 I have finished the in-class portion of my programme, and it is crazy to realize the reality of that. This time has absolutely flown by. I am so very glad that I took the step and decided to participate in this masters in popular literature. I learned so much about literature as a whole as it has evolved through time and about people's reading habits. It was so great to be exposed to such much different literature and different genres within it, from Austen to Dickens to Science Fiction to Romance to Horror to Graphic Novels. I feel so much more knowledgeable and well-rounded-which was my hope from this programme. It definitely has not always been easy, there were a lot of things that very much challenged the ways that I think about literature and about the world as a whole and I have had to assess what I think about popular culture and art and what I think these things mean and how they interact. (If you are interested in hearing more about how this played out feel free to ask me, I would love to discuss it with you, but it would make for a VERY long post if I went into all my thoughts on this).

 I am by no means finished, I have two essays due this week: one on Lord of the Rings, the other on The Hunger Games; and then there is the dissertation (dun dun dun), no big deal, just the main thing this programme is marked on. I am rather excited to delve into this topic though; I am doing my dissertation on hardboiled or noir detective fiction and it's placement in Hollywood and depiction of Hollywood in the 1930s. This means I have to read lots of Raymond Chandler and the like and watch lots of Film Noir. I am excited about it, but there are lots of nerves too!

 I have also been very blessed in my ability to travel. I have taken a lot of dream-come-true type trips. 

Trip #1: London at Christmas

Aston's Apartments: My Kensington Home!

 My friend and doppleganger, Janelle, and I were able to stay in a little vacation flat in South Kensington for 15 glorious days and we had the most wonderful time...

Off to Neverland!!

We were able to do and see so much in London I cannot begin to describe everything, but I will try to give the highlights. Being walking distance from Kensington Gardens, we obviously spent a lot of time there with our dear friend, Peter Pan...

The Gloucester Road Tube station:
 our home station

We were so close to the tube that getting around was super easy and fun, and I think I can say with confidence that we became as proficient as locals with using the tube...

We took a jaunt to 221 B Baker St. to see the home of Detective Sherlock Holmes and his dear friend Dr. Watson...

We took a trek over to a very magical and musical place, Abbey Road Studios where we, along with 50 others had to take the iconic picture on the Zebra Walk...

We saw some obligatory cultural icons, of course...

Big Ben and Parliament

The breathtaking Westminster Abbey

Stopping to pose at Buckingham Palace

We happened upon Battersea Pie, a little
pie shop in Covent Garden and it changed my life! So good!

We discovered some fantastically indy shopping and eating areas on Portobello Road and in Covent Garden...

Portobello Road
 (the place where riches of ages are stowed)

  

Tower Bridge

We also took the time to experience some history and culture...

The Tower of London

The British Museum

     

We went to St. Paul's Cathedral for a beautiful
Carol Service to celebrate Christmas.

Kensington Palace

  

Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, William Wordsworth,
Virginia Woolf, the Magna Carta, the Beatles *bliss*

Like the good bibliophiles that we are, we had to take in the literary sights...

                                                         

And a dream visit to Shakespeare's Globe Theatre.

                                               

We took a couple daytrips via the National Rail out of London to see some other literary hotspots...

#1: Oxford

#2 Stratford-Upon-Avon

Anne Hathaway's Cottage

Shakespeare's Birthplace and family home

The theatre, the theatre, what's happened to the theatre...

We could not come to London and pass up the opportunity to visit the West End, also known as "Theatreland"

We loved it so much we came back for a weekend in February to see "Singin' in the Rain" at the Palace Theatre, it was an amazing night!!

And I am just back from another trip through the west of the UK that was an absolute dream, but details of that will have to come later.

I cannot express how blessed I feel to be having these fantastically deep experiences that I know I will carry with me. These are things that I have always dreamed of seeing and doing and every once in a while that hits me and I feel truly happy.

Over the past few months I have come to be a bit homesick for my friends, family, and community; I love you all dearly and you mean the world to me. There are so many moments where I wish I could bring you along with me in my adventures and share a bit of myself, but I look forward to sharing it all with you when I return.

In the meantime I have a visit to look forward to from my lovely Lisa and her mom, Vicki. And I will even get to see my own Mommy here in Ireland very soon. I can't wait to share my experiences tangibly with them!

I am here for another 5 months or so and I am looking forward to the experiences it promises, and I can't wait to share them with you!! (I promise I will get better about updating this blog now that I am a little more free).

How am I doing?

Many of you have asked me this question. I think, the best way to respond truthfully is through the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer...

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time, it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.

This is where I sit.

Birthday Meditations

Today is my birthday.
Today I am 27 years old.
Today I had the privilege of spending my birthday in Ireland.

Life over here can sometimes become mundane,getting lost in the day-to-day activity of life, but every once in a while it hits me: I am in Ireland. It is a feeling of awe and of bliss. Today was such a day.

Though I am bogged down at the moments in essays that need to be written and research to be done and books to be read, I decided to take the day off.

I took myself to my special place where I always feel at peace and the most connected with my Maker--the coast. In the time that I have been in Ireland I had not yet taken myself to the coast and today seemed like the perfect opportunity: it was.

Though it has tended to be cloudy and bleak and cold lately today was gorgeous with sunshine and everything. So, I ventured forth on my friend the DART (Dublin Area Rapid Transit... for those of you not from around these parts) and went out to see what I could see of this Irish coast that I have always dreamt of.

The DART

As we traveled further from the city centre I found my soul waiting for me in the vistas of the Irish Sea, so fantastic...

What I saw out the window...

So, I decided to disembark at a little coastal strand called Killiney...

And it was absolutely perfect. There was sun peeking through the clouds, as if God were painting me a picture to say "Happy Birthday." So I sat and I read The Ragamuffin Gospel, which is a book I have wanted to read for a long time--rough and beautiful. And I prayed beautiful Celtic prayers that I brought with me. And God met me in this place. Here is the proof...

And it brought me great joy.

I will leave you with the meditative prayer that has stuck with me and that I pray for this day and this year to come in which I want to fully experience every single day.

O God, You have been good.
You have been faithful;
You have been good.

You have shown me Your love,
not just in the year that is past,
but through all the years of my life.

You have given me life and reason,
and set me in a world which is full of your glory.

You put family around me
and comfort me with friends
You touch me through the thoughtfulness
and warmth of other people.

In darkness you have been my light,
in adversity and temptation a rock of strength
You are the source of my joy,
abd all the reward I ever need.

Your lovingkindness is everlasting.
Your lovingkindness is everlasting.

You remembered me when I had forgotten You,
followed me when I ran away,
met me with forgiveness
whenever I turned back to You.

Forgive me,
that I have not loved You
with all my heart,
with all my soul,
with all my mind,
with all my strength.

I have taken much,
and returned little thanks;
I have been unworthy
of Your unchanging love.

Forgive me my coldness and indifference,
my lack of constant love,
my unbelief,
my false pretenses,
and my refusal to understand Your ways.

Teach me Your ways, O Lord,
and let me walk in Your truth.
I put behind me
my stubborn independence,
and turn again to You.

I am no longer my own, but Yours.
Use me as You choose;
rank me alongside whoever You choose;
with my whole heart I freely choose to yield
all things to Your ordering and approval.

So now, God of glory,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
You are mine, and I am Your own.