The Journey Continues

"The cell is the place of being shut away with God, and with yourself. This may be a physical place or just a choice to be opened to Him in an interior way. We know it is exactly what we need, but avoid time alone and find other things to address in order to delay it."
                                                                                            ~Celtic Daily Prayer Book

This speaks to so many things in my life and head right now, and is evident in the fact that there has been radio silence on this blog. I have been back in the U.S.A. for 3 months now and, if I am honest, though I am using this time to process and re-adjust from my year in the Land of Eire, I have not allowed myself to do so. A large part of my reasoning for this is the idea that if I never process, never adjust then the year, the journey will not be over. I do not want to admit that it is over and have to return to the mundane things of life: bills, employment, etc. But something that I have come to realize in the past few weeks is that this phase, this re-adjusting, figuring out American life is also part of the journey of my year in Ireland. I am still in the adventure of a life well-lived. The present is a real challenge in figuring out what that looks like back amidst the familiar--to not fall back into complacent and comfortable habits, but live a life of risk and adventure.

In this vein, in the months I have been back on U.S. soil I have continued to move and travel and catch up with people, which has been grand, but I fear that a lot of it comes from a desire to never stop and sit in silence and hear the reality of how I am. But evenso, it has been great. I stopped off for a week in New York City before returning to the West Coast and NYC was magically amazing. I have a friend, the lovely Jessica, who is now a NYC resident, so I was able to stay in her Washington Heights apartment (yes, that's correct, Jessica lives "In the Heights"!). I did all of the typical, yet necessary touristy things while in the city, which, of course, included a Broadway show of "Peter and the Starcatchers" which was imaginative and fantastical and wonderful, a great choice! From New York I returned to San Luis Obispo with my darling mother to greet me with a homecooked meal and a smile. Not wanting to settle yet, I decided to run away a week later to Southern California, Orange County to be exact to see all my old haunts and friends. It was a hear-warming, but also strange experience. As I have returned to familiar people and places there is a strange sense of the familiar becoming foreign as I realize more and more just how much I assimilated into Irish life and culture and little American-isms now seem odd. A year away is a good amount of time to adjust, then have to learn to re-adjust again (though to be honest, I am rather resistant to assimilating completely back into American culture, after all, being Irish is great craic!). I then journeyed to San Diego to see my city that will always feel like home, and indeed that remains to be true, I stepped off the train and walked downtown and felt at home, and happy. Wandering this city after a year of European travel and adventure was a new experience, seeing things from a new perspective, and just experiencing how sprawling Southern California is as compared to Dublin and cities in the U.K. was strange. But I still have a deep love for my hometown.

After these Southern California adventures, I had the pleasure of a good friend driving back to SLO with me. A friend that I have been through a lot with and that I missed a lot that happened in her life this year. Large events that changed the landscape of our friendship and emotions occurred this year, and we had a very good week of hanging out and crying and just being present together as we were not able to while I was away.

Following this, I ran away yet again and flew to a small town called Fountain Green, Utah where my aunt lives, and now my father lives with her. The idea that he is no longer in San Diego, where he has seemingly always been is very strange. Such change while I was away. But spending time getting to know their life in Utah and Arizona (where they spend the winter) was good. It is a beautiful area with red hills and sheep and cows and horses, very idyllic and iconically middle America. It was fantastic getting to know my aunt better and it was good seeing my dad, though hard to see his state of health, his Parkinson's is not treating him too well, but I gathered that he is doing better than a year ago, so there is hope in that.

After 10 days in Utah, it was time to fly back to San Luis Obispo, to fly back and decide what the next best right step would be. This is something I was fearing; what happens next? where do I live? where do I work? who am I now? Despite these fears and insecurities, I know with conviction that I am an immensely lucky person to have had the year of adventure that I had, and to have such a loving, supportive, understanding mother who is there for me no matter what. She has been amazing in allowing me to remain in her house and providing food and basic life necessities that I require and cannot afford in my huge state of debt.

So, what have I decided? Where am I now? Well, as far as deciding what I want to do with my life and what this next season looks like, I am still drawing a blank, but as of today I am allowing myself space and quiet to process these things. I have gotten a seasonal job at Barnes and Noble Bookstore here in SLO, which does not give me many hours or much money, but I am enjoying it. It would be easy, and is easy, to feel that I have "failed" in that I am working a minimum wage job and living with my mother at the age of 27, but I refuse to think this. I want to experience life and take every moment for all it's worth. I did exactly that this past year: I went and lived in a country I have always wanted to, I studied literature at Trinity College Dublin and achieved a Master's degree, I traveled all over the U.K. and Ireland...I wish I could have seen more of Europe, but evenso I experienced this year. I am trusting and prayerful about the next season...whether it means remaining here, heading back to Orange County and finding a job down there, the possibility of teacher training, or the ever enticing draw to return to Europe and figure it all out there.

But I will not miss a moment. I will intentionally seek quiet space, my cell, and engage and reflect to not just go through the motions of life and run away. This will not be easy, but I am trusting that it will be good. So here is to the continued journey. Cheers.

Bittersweet

. . . is the word of the moment.

I cannot believe that I am already leaving Ireland. A year has gone by so fast.
This has been a crazy, fun, trying, lonely, new friend-filled year.
I have learned a lot both academically and personally. I have learned so much about who I am as a person. I have learned a lot about how I deal with tough times. I have learned so much about literature and how to look at and think about literature.

This year spent in Ireland really has been a life-changing, dream-come-true sort of year, no matter how cliche that sounds. To get to see and experience these places I have always dreamt of going has been amazing. There is so much more I want to experience, it hurts to leave. I feel like I am tearing myself away and such a big part of me will stay here.

But with all this melancholy at departing, there is so much excitement to return. To start with I am over the moon with excitement to have one last travelling hoorah and get to spend time with a lovely friend who has just moved to New York. I have never spent time in New York and always wanted to, and to get to do it with a "local" will be amazing. The perfect welcome back to the States, and a final adventure before returning home. I am excited.

There is so much that I have missed about California, most of all my lovely friends, family, and community. I am not, however, looking forward to the weather, despite what everyone in Ireland says. I have come to adore the rain. I love stepping outside and not knowing what weather I will be stepping into...sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's overcast, ok most of the time it's overcast, and at some point in the day, you know there will be rain. I love that variety. And I have gotten used to the cooler temperatures, the fact that when it is 15C/60F I am outside without a sweater, basking in the warmth. In my previous life I would have been putting a sweater on about then. I fear I will melt in the California sun. There will definitely be some re-adjusting to do. Cultural re-adjustment as well, I have a feeling. I will miss the pub lifestyle, to stop in, have a seat, have a pint, have a conversation, I have met such interesting people throughout the year, I love it. I'll miss the crazy Irish accents and way of speaking...I will miss the grand craic with your man that happens here :-)

So, I will make the most of these last few days, trying to fit as much of Ireland in my suitcases as I can, and eating up the experiences I have left. This has been a landmark year. There have been some serious struggles and challenges, but I am so glad that I took a risk, took a step, and came. I will never be the same.

Dissertation Blues...

My life at the moment:

Work, work, work, work.
Write, write, write...

FREAK OUT

What the heck am I doing with my life?! What is a dissertation? Can I write a dissertation? What have I gotten myself into?

Work, work, work work.
Research, read, think, plan, outline.
Write, write, edit, revise, write some more.

Pack a box. Ship a box to California.

FREAK OUT

I leave in 3 weeks! 3 weeks!!! I will never get this dissertation done in that time! I am leaving Ireland, I do not want to go! I am going back to California. Where am I going to live? I am broke. How will I pay for food? Where will I work? What will the next adventure look like? Can I handle another adventure? What am I doing with my life?!

Work. Work.  Work.
Watch a film. Watch the commentary. Take notes.
Write. Write. Write.


Repeat.

On living

Tonight I have made a comforting realization. Want to hear it?

I have realized that despite the fears, despite the insecurities, despite the pressures and despite the anxieties that come upon me from time to time, the priorities I have set: to live life--to truly live and experience life--are realities I have lived out.

I have always said that I do not want to be a person who lets life pass me by. I do not want to be 90 years old and say I wish I had...

Day to day I become bogged down in what I can only describe as societal pressures of feeling that I need to be more successful, I need to have a career, a house, a husband, a "life." But then I realize that I do not want all those things. My desire is for so much more because I know that there is so much more in the world and so much more to life than convention. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of those things, but I want to live, to experience, to have a unique life, and, for me, that means not living the "American Dream."

I have many moments of deep darkness and anxiety that I have gone down the wrong path, that I have not been "wise" with time or money in these experiences. But then the realization comes to me that I don't care. I will pay for these things somehow. I will be ok. I will be more than ok because I am a changed person with experiences that will stay with me. I do not want to live a life characterized by fear, a feeling I am prone to. I want to risk, to go, to live and let the details fall into place. And they have.

Looking at my adult life I see that there are many moments of this sort if paralysis, then by the grace and strength of God, I have been able to shake these and take risks. I am proud of this fact--it is something that I have only come to realize tonight. I want to remain and to grow even more into this person. I want to be a person of thoughtfulness and wisdom, who seeks the right path. However, I do not want to sit in that waiting period in such a way that it becomes a crutch, I will continue to live and risk and savour every moment of this live that has been gifted to me.

I took the risk and moved back to Southern California with no job or money in sight, and God provided a fantastic job with wonderful people and a community that truly blessed me and became family.

I took the risk and left that family to travel across the pond to "the homeland," Ireland, and it has been a truly beautiful time. I have had the opportunity to travel and experience things I have long dreamed about. I have grown in so many ways, through both good and difficult times.

I have had a fantastic ride so far, I cannot wait to see what lies in store. This is the first time I have said this and truly meant it. I will no longer be afraid. I have been given this one life, I will not waste it.

Forgiveness

Jesus' prayer was, 'Father forgive them;
they know not what they do.'
A prayer born in death, writhing with pain.
A prayer risking faith, facing the sorrow.
A prayer living in hope, seeing the future.

My prayer was, 'God, how can I forgive them?
They do know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'It still hurts.'
A prayer wanting vengeance.
A prayer seeking direction.

My prayer became, 'God, help me forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer saying, 'They were wrong.'
A prayer wanting reconciliation.
A prayer seeking courage.

My prayer became, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
A prayer that wrestled with injustice.
A prayer that acknowledges weakness.
A prayer that found home in God's love.

My prayer remains, 'God, forgive them;
they know what they did.'
Because forgiving creates life from death.
Because forgiving cleanses the healing wound.
Because forgiving builds the bridge of freedom.
                     
                                              ~Jared P. Pingleton The Role and Function of Forgiveness.




I find this picture of the process of forgiveness to be so very true to life. I love the attempts at prayer and the honesty therein. Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness requires humility and surrender--things contrary to natural human reactions when wronged. But forgiveness brings life and freedom, not to mention healing and reconciliation to relationships. Being on the other side of this, and looking back, I see just how true these words are. Letting go of the shackles of hurt and resentment and even cyncism and stepping into forgiveness is supremely freeing and life-giving. God knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive.

A beautifully honest prayer

I see Your hands,
not white and manicured, but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out--
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today--
hurt more than me--
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
and warmth, that says You're there.
                                                      ~Eddie Askew Many Voices, Once Voice

New Flat

I am now officially a Dubliner, living in the city centre. The view from my bedroom window.

For those of you that may be interested in my new city centre flat, I thought I would post the pictures on here rather than Facebook, so not everyone in the world has to see where I live. I absolutely love this place and feel so blessed to be where I am and have my own lovely space that is just so very me.

Here on the street where I live...

My front door. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I officially have a Dublin door!

The entryway and stairway up to my flat...4 flights of stairs to ascend.

The dining area.

My tiny kitchen, but look, a washer/dryer!!

The living area, with a super comfy couch

The winding stair...

My upstairs loft-y bedroom.